Felix Hart turns ‘visual sommelier’ in Peter Stafford-Bow’s new wine novel
Former wine buyer Felix Hart has talked his way into a job as lead sommelier at a glittering luxury department store. In this third and final extract from Peter Stafford-Bow’s comic novel Black Odesa, out now, his boss explains why flavour is the last thing the clientele actually wants.
Excerpt 3 from Black Odesa, a cautionary tale of vinfluencers, luxury retail and occupied wine regions.
Felix Hart has landed a job as Lead Sommelier at Sauvage & Sons, the luxury department store. Following some choice opinions on the quality of their wines, he is summoned by Otto, his boss.
My mobile phone vibrated urgently on the carpet beside my bed. I reached down and fumbled for the handset.
“Hello?”
“Ah, hello – is this Felix Hart?”
An enthusiastic, well-spoken male voice. I wasn’t in the mood for enthusiasm.
“How can I help?”
“Hello, Felix. This is Tarquin Chatterjee from the Shoreditch Wine School. Hope I’m not interrupting anything?”
I squinted at my clock alarm. Twenty-past nine. What would you be interrupting, Tarquin, given my unceremonious ejection and banishment from the world of work? A penitent shift at the local soup kitchen? A vigorous bout of self-love?
“No, you’re not interrupting.”
“I wanted to ask whether you might be interested in a brand ambassador role at the Shoreditch Wine School.”
I hoisted myself into a semi-upright position.
“I might be. What would it involve?”
“You see, we’re experiencing unprecedented interest in wine courses since your, erm, viral incident.”
“Viral incident?”
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“Your arrest, I mean. Your naked arrest. Which I thought was very unfair, by the way, and I do wish you all the best with the wheels of justice, hoping they turn in your favour, ahaha.”
“Thank you.”
“Yes, so our idea is to introduce wine-based dating evenings to capitalise on the demand. It’s blind dating meets wine education. The participants turn up and move around the room, each has two glasses, and they sample the wines alongside each partner to see whether they have compatible tastes. There’s a wine educator there, to talk the participants through the wines. And we’ll be inviting guest speakers, too – top sommeliers, English winemakers, that kind of thing.”
“Ok. Sounds reasonably fun.”
“The working title is ‘Varietals are the Spice of Life’. The marketing team are finessing the concept. It’s a work in progress.”
“So, you want me to be a guest speaker?”
“Er, no, not quite. We were hoping you might be, kind of, the face of the concept. We’d use you for social media, that kind of thing.”
“Oh, ok. Would you give me a script, or something?”
“Yes, exactly! Although, it’s not so much an audio thing as a visual thing.”
“Visual?”
“Yes. I’ll cut to the chase. Would you be up for appearing naked on our socials? Not completely exposed, of course, we’re a family wine school, ahaha. You could hold a decanter in front of your, you know, groin area. I think it would be great fun, and the girls at Shoreditch Wine School are really excited about it. I mean, seriously, really excited. They’re fighting over who gets to shoot the video.”
“I’m not sure. I mean, what are you paying?”
“Oh, there’s no budget, as such. It’s more an exposure piece for you, really, excuse the pun, ahaha. It would be amazing publicity for you, of course, building your profile. I mean, we have over eight thousand followers and—”
I hung up.
Black Odesa by Peter Stafford-Bow was released on 1st June and is available on Amazon and Waterstones.com. Read the second extract from Black Odesa here.
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