Beer wishes for 2011

‘Tis the season to be jolly. ‘Tis also the season for lazy journalism – when weary drinks writers either look back on things that happened during the last 12 months or polish their crystal balls and predict some stuff that may or may not happen.

Given that the first requires research, the second option is by far the easier of the two. So that’s what’s going to happen.

Here you are, a list of wishes and predictions that, in an ideal world, would make the beer business an even better place. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

1) Size won’t matter

Britain has a raft of daft laws. It is, for example, illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses; in England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day, and it remains an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.

However, the daftest of all and the only law to actually be enforced, is that pubs can only serve beer in one third of a pint, a half pint, or multiples of a half pint.

What’s that all about? The pint is an absurd anachronism and entirely unsuitable for better beers. People wouldn’t decant a bottle of fine wine into a pint glass so why do it with beer? It dates back to the days when sweaty manual workers were super thirsty after a hard day of hitting stuff and building things like ships.

Apart from a mountain of debt, we don’t build anything in this country anymore and the only thing we hit is a mouse key – so we don’t need to drink as much as a pint. It’s a bit much really.

A half-pint is ok but a third of a pint is a little too small. A two-thirds of a pint, around 37.5cl, would be better but, for some reason, that’s not allowed.

In 2008, white-coated boffins at The National Weights and Measures Laboratory recommended the introduction of a two-thirds of a pint glass but, like a lot of manifesto promises, the government have kicked the idea into the long-grass.

They need to send someone to go and find it and then they need to sort it out because, as the Brewdog brewery argued earlier this year (with the help of a placard-waving midget), it encourages responsible drinking and is ideal for the savouring and mature contemplation of all those lovely boutique/craft/flavoursome beers that are being brewed at the moment.

2) People will realise that criticising CAMRA is futile

Cask ale is at the forefront of a rather exciting beer revolution in the UK, but, despite this, there seems to be a lot of criticism of the CAMRA – a group that, let’s face it, saved real ale from extinction all those years ago.

The reasons for this are manifold and seem to centre on CAMRA’s unwavering stance on a number of issues. But the three main criticisms of CAMRA seem to be its insistence on keeping cask ale so cheap that it makes being a small brewery very difficult; its irrational intolerance towards cask breathers – a device without which venues couldn’t serve real ale; and its dislike of keg beer – even if it’s really rather good and made the right way.

All three are valid criticisms but spending time making them is an exercise in futility – a bit like criticising the Catholic Church for being stick-in-the-muds when it comes to homosexuality or contraception.  

The comparison may seem facetious, but CAMRA is like the Catholic Church in that it’s an old institution founded on a number of staunch beliefs – some of which could, these days, be deemed a bit irrational.

Ask most CAMRA members and Catholics as much and they’d probably agree, some may even admit to drinking lager and using a condom (though rarely at the same time). But that’s not the point really. If you begin to concede founding principles then you undermine the whole thing and muddy the clear definitions, goals and boundaries – be it a church or a campaign.

If CAMRA is going to ensure that cask never dies, it needs to stick to its guns – even if they are misfiring a little and in need of recalibrating.

CAMRA is not saying people shouldn’t drink other styles of beer and they’re not saying that all keg beer is inferior – all they’re saying is that if a beer is going to be called "cask" then it should meet strict criteria. This seems fair enough.

It’s true that there is a militant minority who take it all a bit seriously but they are exactly that – a minority. The soldier is deaf. It’s not worth shouting at him. Arguing with a devout CAMRA member is like arguing with a Jehovah’s witness (albeit a badly dressed one) – what seems tempting and an easy target is ultimately a waste of everyone’s time. So instead, let’s all have a group hug.

3) New beer duty according to ingredients and integrity

There’s more chance of Rose West wining the Nobel Peace Prize than there being a reduction in beer duty during 2011 but, hey, here’s an ill-thought out idea anyway: taxation on taste and brewing technique.

Instead of making ABV the differential, tax beer according to its ingredients, its integrity, innovation and the way it tastes.

This is how it would work: a soulless 3.9% abv brand that was lagered for a day, brewed using adjuncts and served at a temperature more readily associated with an ice lolly would be taxed to the hilt.

An imperial stout brewed using an all-malt recipe, fresh hops and matured in rare French Limousin barrels for 72 months would be exempt from any taxation whatsoever.

The benefits of this would be twofold: Firstly, brewers would be encouraged to brew more interesting and better beers and deter the brewing of bland beers.

And, secondly, we’d return to the days when learning to drink (and heaven knows it’s something that should be taught) was a face-contorting initiation to the unfamiliar, an uphill sipping slog, a begrudging grind through the gears of bitterness and sharpness and a rite of passage that would hopefully stand one in good stead for the future.

A panel of paid experts will taste each and every beer and decide how much each one should be taxed. It’s a role that this writer is, rather selflessly, willing to put himself forward for.

This idea is, of course, very unlikely to become reality. But taxation needs to be looked at anyway. The way things are is absurd.

4) Beer will be served at the Royal Wedding

When William and Kate tie the knot next year, they should serve beer, not wine or bubbly.

There are many reasons for this:

a) It’s cheaper and we’re all skint.

b) It’s lower in alcohol which means there’s less chance of fisticuffs.

c) The groom’s old man brews his own beer.

d) It is Britain’s national drink.

And if it’s going to be a religious ceremony – which it will – there is an even more convincing reason: the bit in the Bible when Jesus is at a wedding and he turns water into wine isn’t true. Jesus didn’t turn water into wine, he turned it into beer. Fact. (ed – not quite a fact).

We know this because grain not grapes grew all over the Middle East when Jesus was alive; ale was one of Egypt’s main exports to Europe; and wine was rarely consumed in the region.

The whole beer thing got lost in translation – from the ancient language of Aramaic into English – because wine was seen as proper posh while beer was regarded a drink for lowly paupers. Translators, working centuries later, sneakily tweaked it so Jesus looked a bit posher.

All the other stuff we know about Jesus suggests his wine drinking was wide of the mark. Jesus was a working class hero, a blue collar Messiah who wore a beard and sandals. He was clearly a beer guy.

In fact, the only people he would have been drinking wine with were the Romans and, let’s be honest, Jesus didn’t often see eye-to-eye with the Romans.

So William, get the beers in – there’s a good chap.

5)    A decent beer festival will be launched

You may have noticed above that 2011 was going to be the year when people stopped bullying CAMRA. But as this is being written in 2010, it’s OK to write this: the Great British Beer Festival is rubbish. Seriously, it’s unforgivably awful and very few people, including brewers, seem to have anything nice to say about it.

Someone, somewhere needs to come up with a better alternative. Just imagine an alfresco endeavour where beer – in all its styles and glory – is rightfully represented, where the food is worth eating and the music worth listening too; where both sexes are present; and where – on arrival – there’s not an irresistible urge to turn around, walk out and slam one’s head in a car door. It can’t be that difficult can it?

Please. Someone make it happen. Please.

6)    Beer cocktails will be the next big thing. Maybe.

It’s weird. In the world of mixology and cocktails, beer has been a notorious blind spot. Bartenders and mixologists operating in the upper echelons of the bar trade have tended not to concern themselves with the commodity that is beer.

But that is changing – slowly but surely, beer horizons are being broadened in these bars and an increasingly awesome array of beers are being ushered into their chillers.

What’s more, as part of a return to traditional cocktails and quintessentially British mixed drinks dating back as far as the eighteenth century, beer cocktails are seeing a rare revival.

At the newly-opened Beaufort Bar at the seriously salubrious Savoy Hotel in London, Guinness Foreign Bitters are used in a “Sugar Strut” while at the halcyon Hawksmoor, a steakhouse and cocktail bar housed in an old brewery, the ‘Shaky Pete’s Ginger Brew’ sees gin mixed with homemade Ginger syrup & lemon Juice before being topped with London Pride.

All the top bars are getting involved and mixologists are finally waking up to the wonders of beer. The beer cocktail is back – you read it here first. And perhaps last.  

BenMcFarland, 23.12.2010